We had our Ash Wednesday yesterday. One of the sessions, each year has to share what are the things we need to repent in our lives, community, our country and the world. A particular year said that we need to repent of gossiping, talking about people from behind (in particular). Our year shared on the community living that we are reluctant in spirit to be part of the duty in our community. I was asked to share this to the community, in front of all students and the faculties. I asked the year representative is he sure that he wants me to share. In my heart, I am afraid to pour out all the negative emotions I have with this issue.
I shared. I've said something rather 'radical'. I shared what we shared. I shared what really happens in our community life among the students which most of them afraid to raise it up publicly. I shared that we are reluctant to do gardening, and we need to repent of it. I shared that we need to repent of ignoring our responsibilities in the dorm. I shared we need to repent of our selfishness in library. And I shared that we need to repent of our attitude in the canteen because of the under-cost food. We are grumbling about it. In the end of sharing, we are required to pray for repentance.
I shared publicly, "I am sorry; I need to confess and repent that I do not know how to pray for these items." I just say, "Lord, in your mercy." I was expecting they all to say, "hear our prayer," but it didn't happen. I do not know how to pray for these items because I am struggling with these issues, especially the under-cost food. My struggle is if I repent on behalf of the community, it means that we are not grateful with our food and we need to change our attitude in canteen. And it also means that the one who cook, the one who responsible in this area simply ignoring their responsibilities just by ACCUSING the student of not being grateful with what they have. We all know as students even some of the faculty where the problem is, but blames have to be upon our attitude!
That is why I am struggling. I do not want to use prayer to politicalize the issue. I am not being selfish here. I think the one who need to repent and change is not us as student.
The title of this blog is "backstabbing". My action in chapel has been a discussion in some of the Chinese Pastoral group. I knew this because the students told me. Some defended me. As far as I know, I do not know who back-stabbed me! I was quite angry and disappointed. One hand you pray "WE NEED TO REPENT FOR GOSSIPING AND TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE FROM BEHIND." Just in a short time, you talk about me from behind in your PASTORAL GROUP?! This is just simply HYPOCRITE! Are we all just coming our for the sake of sharing and to be POLITICALLY CORRECT in sharing and praying?
Have mercy upon me, Lord.