Saturday, May 19, 2012


What is justice? And what is not justice? What is fair, and what is not fair? All these questions were the beginning of the struggles that I've gone through significantly for the past 6 months.

Personally, I won't jealous if people, be it if they are Christian or non-Christian, who are not in the fulltime vocation, with the luxury things that they can enjoy; because I know it is a great honour and privilege to serve God.

BUT, what if in fulltime vocation, you see other people are enjoying those luxury things than you do? There are few reactions. Firstly, on the positive side, you will think that God has blessed and rewarded him because of his faithfulness.Second, you might be contented with what you have and not focusing on them.

What if, when both reactions come together, and with people who are enjoying this, are the people whom you worked harder than them, more effective, efficient, and more competence with them? You will start to ask God, "Why You have not blessed me?"

This is the struggle that I've been through. When I see surrounding, people are enjoying with their gadgets, and what you have is a pile of responsibilities. I started to self-pity myself. Why other are have that and I having my slow laptop, old fashioned phone, etc. And I try to justify to God that I've been generous to His people - giving away 2 laptops to those who need it knowing that I won't be using that; bless other people with whatever way that I can. All I got is just a free meals which happened most often.

Often I try to be positive, and to content myself not to indulge with all these. But as you keep yourself away from this thing, it will come to you and caused you to self-pity again. When you self-pity yourself, you'll tend to find way to comfort yourself. One of the ways is, how to improve the things that I have. When I found out the solution and proud of it - using less money to make your computer fast for example, things fail you. I don't know why when you thought God has given you a way to comfort yourself, God frustrates the plan. And you blame God and say, "IF this plan is going to fail, why you give me such thinking. You think I have a lot of money?" That's my reaction.

I became so angry, so disappointed with God. So often, it is pressuring for you to force yourself to reconcile with God because Sunday is coming, I need to serve; or tomorrow I need to preach, or lead worship, I need to say sorry to God no matter what. By doing so, most of the time, I make myself to an undealt problem with God. This is the struggle as well. You know you can't live without Him, but you felt disappointed with Him.

This thing has taught me one important, simple thing - HUMILITY. It really takes great effort to humble myself to realize that God frustrated my plan and to know that He has a greater plan. I have no idea why I don't have such things, but I do know that through this, I've learned an important lesson which if I have thes material things, it will make me proud and self-focused.

Ka Seng 

My personal thought on current church

# 还我教会  Personal reflection on church. (Posted 1 year ago) Matthew13.58 And he did not do many miracles there because of their lack of f...